string of affairs

#1.
i feel strange...it's been so long since i last met you. you may not
believe me but i miss you terribly.

when i would be with you, everyone would look up to me. in your arms i
would feel so high. i miss the exhilaration, i miss the magic that would be
created each time we had inter-course... the rapid trepidation as i use to walk up to you ... my senses numb and most alive.

i remember the time when i was made to stand beside you. i had to stand
right there and watch you. watch you as you gave them the same kind of warmth as
you used to give me. watch you as i saw you, getting so close to them. you won.

i was shaking with jealously. i could see the jubilant smile on your face.

"thats what you get for not choosing me....for abandoning me !" you spat
right at me.

you accused me. and rightfully so. i did not choose you. i did abandon you.
but that day, when i was in my Principal's office discussing career options, she
asked me about all that mattered to me in life. i could not but blurt out in
that moment of absolute impulse...that i was in love with you.

even today, when i see no way by which i can go back to you, i stand by
that moment of impulse .

#2

i don't know whether to call it his story or mine . Never mind it doesn't matter whose story it is ....just damn the s......and let me get on with this.

we got married last july. i admit under strange circumstances. but nevertheless the truth as it stands is , we have decided to spend our lives together. like every other married couple in this world , we hoped to get from this marriage "happiness", "stability " and yes , create children.

let me start right from the beginning. we were childhood friends. as a child , i was fascinated by you. but by the time i reached adolescence ... i lost interest in you. but something started happening between us when i was 16. i think it was infatuation that i felt. it happened probably because even when i had lost interest in you , you were gentle to me. now that i think back , i remember, you would always be right beside me. when all the other people let me down you would make me smile again. it was when i realised that we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore in school, i decided to move in with you.

two years. a struggle to be compatible. there were times i found you unbearable. i started looking for love and comfort elsewhere. but then again, there were moments which reminded me why we were together in the first place.

but the fights got bitter. you looked happier with other people. so did i.

by the end of two years, we had had enough. we decided to separate. not that i had anyone particular in mind. but i was sure about one thing. i would rather die than spend the rest of my life with you.

the day i was to officially leave you ...we had one last confrontation. you said "you don't have the capacity to ever satisfy me." the words stung. more so probably because of its truth content. this couldn't be the last thing i had to do with you . this couldn't be how i leave you. we might have been incompatible , but it didn't mean that we were not in love !

we met again. i had to come back to you. we made love like never before. and before long we were married. my father was dead against this wedding. my mother although liked you was doubtful whether this marriage would last.

i am with you now. i am happy with you. i am stable with you. but why aren't i happy with this stability ? and why am i not being able to create children with you ?

thinking back

I write not, in fear I write what has been written before,
I think not, in fear I think what has been thought before,
I say not, in fear I say what has been said .
I fear not, in fear that I am afraid.
I explore not , I dare not
I venture not, I feel not
and so,
I grow not
I stagnate.

slipping into

i am in pain. its unexplainable how much it hurts. i don't do it consciously but i face the brunt of it fully conscious. i am left with ugly scars on my feet which i see everyday and a prominent scar in my mind which i cannot see but definitely feel.

i keep tripping . or to put it better, i keep slipping into other people's shoe. of course they don't fit me ... and hence the ugly scars. but when i wear them, as uncomfortable may i feel, i can't stop looking through their eyes. i can see what they see. i can perceive what they perceive . i can think what they think. and the most painful part, i can feel what they feel.

finally when i can draw myself away from them, i am rendered unable to stand. unable to feel hatred when i should feel so ..... unable to feel love when i should feel so.....it causes "emotional imbalance" in me.

i am forced to be wisely foolish when i want to be foolishly wise. overdose of empathy can be so injurious to action.

child

"The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. "




true. first time in my life the only kind of dreams i get is at night....that too the strange pandemonium of events faces and places. but everyone gets them. i miss those dreams.... which i had in broad light...... something or someone would make me take a firm resolution .... "this is what i want to do".... the mad chase.....till i used to reach somewhere....which would be near or far from the dream....atleast measured by the dream.


since i have stopped dreaming.....i wonder .... has the child grown ?

cake

take a look at the first picture. i am already licking my lips.... aren't you ? Irresistible !!! Pavlov was so right ! But my purpose was not to make you hungry or make you crave for chocolate cake. i want to ask you ....

" what is more important to you ? the cake or the icing ?"

i have often harassed my friends with this question....

surprisingly the answers were mostly the same. the icing.

true. the icing ....how tempting it looks actually determines whether i want to plunge into the cake or not. but then what if the icing is delicious and high hopes come dashing down when we discover the cake is too dry and not so tasty ?

ok....i think i have done a lot of cake talk. now let me come to the point. when i say cake and icing i don't mean the cake i was talking about ..... i mean the cake that i have shown below it. it's clear . that by the cake and the icing i mean the stratified society. the question is ....how does it matter ?
maybe it does. maybe it does answer the age old question....communism or capitalism ? i feel there is equally strong arguments on both sides... so its often difficult for " still deciding what i believe in" individuals like me, to ever support any side whole heartedly. sometimes i feel maybe like the answers to most intriguing questions, the answer lies somewhere in between.

a cake that is equally chocolaty throughout.....yum !!!

way above the ground i stand on...

you told me that fairytales were true...the cloud on the snow...the rainbow on the fall...the full moon and the pines...the mysterious darkness underground...i hold you all responsible. you made me look different....you made me look differently.you unclothed all the restraints in me and let loose the "pagli".

now i wonder, as i stand stranded between the past and present...when will i return home.