thinking back

I write not, in fear I write what has been written before,
I think not, in fear I think what has been thought before,
I say not, in fear I say what has been said .
I fear not, in fear that I am afraid.
I explore not , I dare not
I venture not, I feel not
and so,
I grow not
I stagnate.

slipping into

i am in pain. its unexplainable how much it hurts. i don't do it consciously but i face the brunt of it fully conscious. i am left with ugly scars on my feet which i see everyday and a prominent scar in my mind which i cannot see but definitely feel.

i keep tripping . or to put it better, i keep slipping into other people's shoe. of course they don't fit me ... and hence the ugly scars. but when i wear them, as uncomfortable may i feel, i can't stop looking through their eyes. i can see what they see. i can perceive what they perceive . i can think what they think. and the most painful part, i can feel what they feel.

finally when i can draw myself away from them, i am rendered unable to stand. unable to feel hatred when i should feel so ..... unable to feel love when i should feel so.....it causes "emotional imbalance" in me.

i am forced to be wisely foolish when i want to be foolishly wise. overdose of empathy can be so injurious to action.

child

"The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. "




true. first time in my life the only kind of dreams i get is at night....that too the strange pandemonium of events faces and places. but everyone gets them. i miss those dreams.... which i had in broad light...... something or someone would make me take a firm resolution .... "this is what i want to do".... the mad chase.....till i used to reach somewhere....which would be near or far from the dream....atleast measured by the dream.


since i have stopped dreaming.....i wonder .... has the child grown ?

cake

take a look at the first picture. i am already licking my lips.... aren't you ? Irresistible !!! Pavlov was so right ! But my purpose was not to make you hungry or make you crave for chocolate cake. i want to ask you ....

" what is more important to you ? the cake or the icing ?"

i have often harassed my friends with this question....

surprisingly the answers were mostly the same. the icing.

true. the icing ....how tempting it looks actually determines whether i want to plunge into the cake or not. but then what if the icing is delicious and high hopes come dashing down when we discover the cake is too dry and not so tasty ?

ok....i think i have done a lot of cake talk. now let me come to the point. when i say cake and icing i don't mean the cake i was talking about ..... i mean the cake that i have shown below it. it's clear . that by the cake and the icing i mean the stratified society. the question is ....how does it matter ?
maybe it does. maybe it does answer the age old question....communism or capitalism ? i feel there is equally strong arguments on both sides... so its often difficult for " still deciding what i believe in" individuals like me, to ever support any side whole heartedly. sometimes i feel maybe like the answers to most intriguing questions, the answer lies somewhere in between.

a cake that is equally chocolaty throughout.....yum !!!

way above the ground i stand on...

you told me that fairytales were true...the cloud on the snow...the rainbow on the fall...the full moon and the pines...the mysterious darkness underground...i hold you all responsible. you made me look different....you made me look differently.you unclothed all the restraints in me and let loose the "pagli".

now i wonder, as i stand stranded between the past and present...when will i return home.

escape

when my strings start playing an unknown tune on its own... i feel uncomfortable. unfamiliar. yet since it is playing in my strings ...it must be part of me. i fail to decode these strange messages i receive from my unconscious self. but when they begin making sense in the music of floyd or in the voice of joan baez...i find solace. music it seems can make even the deepest depression an experience to treasure.