Up there

        I glanced over my shoulder. No. Nobody was watching. The first few steps I took were cautious. The ones that followed, accelerated . Then hurried ones. I scampered through the thick thicket of vegetation to reach the tower. As soon as I reached the base of the tower I halted. The piece of cloth in which I had hurriedly stuffed in all that I wanted up in the tower were all slipping from my grip. I adjusted my hold on it , took a deep breath and climbed the tower with the help of the make-to-do rope. It was actually my own braid which I had chopped off the last time. I had used it to climb down the tower.
       The moment I set my foot inside my room, I let go of the grip. All that I had collected just rolled out. Some of it rolled under the bed, some disappeared under the closet. I flopped down on the floor and clasped the nearest object I could lay my hands on. My face felt warm and so did the back of my neck. Over the evening, I picked up all that I had brought with me and clumsily stuffed it in my closet.
       Then I got up as suddenly I had sat down. I stretched myself on the bed. As I looked up to the stone colourless pale ceiling, I sighed. This has always been my home. Each time I ventured out, I came back just the way I did today.
        I clutched my pillow and turned to my side. I will be staying here for a while.

As I have decided to sit on the fence , it is only natural that I will get kicked from both sides.

string of affairs

#1.
i feel strange...it's been so long since i last met you. you may not
believe me but i miss you terribly.

when i would be with you, everyone would look up to me. in your arms i
would feel so high. i miss the exhilaration, i miss the magic that would be
created each time we had inter-course... the rapid trepidation as i use to walk up to you ... my senses numb and most alive.

i remember the time when i was made to stand beside you. i had to stand
right there and watch you. watch you as you gave them the same kind of warmth as
you used to give me. watch you as i saw you, getting so close to them. you won.

i was shaking with jealously. i could see the jubilant smile on your face.

"thats what you get for not choosing me....for abandoning me !" you spat
right at me.

you accused me. and rightfully so. i did not choose you. i did abandon you.
but that day, when i was in my Principal's office discussing career options, she
asked me about all that mattered to me in life. i could not but blurt out in
that moment of absolute impulse...that i was in love with you.

even today, when i see no way by which i can go back to you, i stand by
that moment of impulse .

#2

i don't know whether to call it his story or mine . Never mind it doesn't matter whose story it is ....just damn the s......and let me get on with this.

we got married last july. i admit under strange circumstances. but nevertheless the truth as it stands is , we have decided to spend our lives together. like every other married couple in this world , we hoped to get from this marriage "happiness", "stability " and yes , create children.

let me start right from the beginning. we were childhood friends. as a child , i was fascinated by you. but by the time i reached adolescence ... i lost interest in you. but something started happening between us when i was 16. i think it was infatuation that i felt. it happened probably because even when i had lost interest in you , you were gentle to me. now that i think back , i remember, you would always be right beside me. when all the other people let me down you would make me smile again. it was when i realised that we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore in school, i decided to move in with you.

two years. a struggle to be compatible. there were times i found you unbearable. i started looking for love and comfort elsewhere. but then again, there were moments which reminded me why we were together in the first place.

but the fights got bitter. you looked happier with other people. so did i.

by the end of two years, we had had enough. we decided to separate. not that i had anyone particular in mind. but i was sure about one thing. i would rather die than spend the rest of my life with you.

the day i was to officially leave you ...we had one last confrontation. you said "you don't have the capacity to ever satisfy me." the words stung. more so probably because of its truth content. this couldn't be the last thing i had to do with you . this couldn't be how i leave you. we might have been incompatible , but it didn't mean that we were not in love !

we met again. i had to come back to you. we made love like never before. and before long we were married. my father was dead against this wedding. my mother although liked you was doubtful whether this marriage would last.

i am with you now. i am happy with you. i am stable with you. but why aren't i happy with this stability ? and why am i not being able to create children with you ?

thinking back

I write not, in fear I write what has been written before,
I think not, in fear I think what has been thought before,
I say not, in fear I say what has been said .
I fear not, in fear that I am afraid.
I explore not , I dare not
I venture not, I feel not
and so,
I grow not
I stagnate.

slipping into

i am in pain. its unexplainable how much it hurts. i don't do it consciously but i face the brunt of it fully conscious. i am left with ugly scars on my feet which i see everyday and a prominent scar in my mind which i cannot see but definitely feel.

i keep tripping . or to put it better, i keep slipping into other people's shoe. of course they don't fit me ... and hence the ugly scars. but when i wear them, as uncomfortable may i feel, i can't stop looking through their eyes. i can see what they see. i can perceive what they perceive . i can think what they think. and the most painful part, i can feel what they feel.

finally when i can draw myself away from them, i am rendered unable to stand. unable to feel hatred when i should feel so ..... unable to feel love when i should feel so.....it causes "emotional imbalance" in me.

i am forced to be wisely foolish when i want to be foolishly wise. overdose of empathy can be so injurious to action.

child

"The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. "




true. first time in my life the only kind of dreams i get is at night....that too the strange pandemonium of events faces and places. but everyone gets them. i miss those dreams.... which i had in broad light...... something or someone would make me take a firm resolution .... "this is what i want to do".... the mad chase.....till i used to reach somewhere....which would be near or far from the dream....atleast measured by the dream.


since i have stopped dreaming.....i wonder .... has the child grown ?